Now I'm Scared...

Favorite Phrases Translated

Nike: My better is better than you better

Chinese: My chi is more centered than you chi

Japanese: My anime rape is harder than your anime rape.

Iraqi: My jihad is more senseless than your jihad.

France: Your better may be better than my better, but fuck you, I surrender.

Cuban: My cigar is better than you cigar because mine is Bill Clinton-approved.

New Zealand: My goat is better than you goat.

Finland: My beard has more leftover food stuck in it than you beard.

Ireland: My drunken rage is more violent than your drunken rage.

***

Toyota: Moving Forward

Southern America: We’re elitist foreigners who know how to do math. Buy our cars!

Western America: We’re hip and cool, although our cars may kill you. Get one now!

Northern America: I live in the city and sit in traffic for a living. I already own a Toyota.

Mid-West America: Get Sarah Palin to say the catchphrase, and maybe I’ll consider it.

Japan: Goddamnit, you stupid Americans. Just buy the fucking cars. It’s not like Ford is any better.

***

Allstate: Are you in good hands?

Non-customers of Allstate: Probably; did you hear how deep that dude’s voice is? He MUST know what he’s doing.

Customers of Allstate: No. Clearly, I am in the hands of an angry God who sees my daily sins and has decided it’s time for the shit to hit the fan.

*****

Now… congress is full of idiots, we know this. Proven scientific fact. Another fact: When not “debating” (re: screaming bloody murder over apostrophe placement), they are terribly, terribly bored.

Apparently, this congressman (Hank Johnson, proud House representative of my home state of Georgia – home to the 45th education ranking in the whole stupid-ass nation) believes that Guam will tip over because it has too many people on it (presumably, on "everybody go stand on the east side of the Island" day).

I have no words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg

At least the less-dumb guy, the military one, is aware of the ridiculosity of this whole idea; that much tells me that it’s not quite time to destroy humanity yet (just be patient, Priscilla, the time will come).

But SERIOUSLY? Guam will CAPSIZE?

Goodness…