I am about to break rules 1 and 2 for just a single paragraph, and absolutely no more.

I now know about 4chan. I understand 4chan. I am afraid of 4chan. And I am awed by 4chan. It is a beautiful and terrible place, where all pictures and files are found, internet memes so powerful that they transfer into the IRL plane of existence are created, politically and morally incorrect laughs are had, and innocence is taken. It is a network widely felt, but rarely talked about. Just remember: 4chan is watching you. And it wants MOAR.



***

I don’t know about the North , West , Mid-west, the Mid-east, or the half-way-north-easternly-wayward-son parts of America are, but in the South, summer means bumblebees galore. I have no idea where these things come from. Either they become invisible to the naked eye during the rest of the seasons, or they hide in an underground cave with Bin Ladin until they just get bored and come back up for flowers; either option is not very comforting.

But with lemons, one must make lemonade. As such, I have created a new sport: Bumblebee Bashing.

You will need:
1. A large supply of bumblebees
2. A tennis racket
3. Quick reflexes
4. A good battle cry when you whack one out of the air
5. The ability to not cry like a pansy when they sting you
6. Some sort of deadly chemical to spray into the air at the Chuck Norris bumblebee that you will inevitably be unable to defeat.



My dog eagerly watched as I went on my first hunting outing. He is an old devotee of Bumblebee Swallowing, a related sport which I do not complete in, for personal reasons (re: I’m not a dog).

There was much swinging, threatening, and gnashing of teeth.

5 minutes, 7 slain bumblebees and 0 stings later, I decided to quit while I was ahead. Those things do not appreciate newbies; they react angrily to near-misses, flying a couple feet above you and then dive-bombing in a desperate attempt to sting you in the eye for your failures. When they do this, do not scream like a little girl. They can sense fear. It will only excite them.

Now I'm Scared...

Favorite Phrases Translated

Nike: My better is better than you better

Chinese: My chi is more centered than you chi

Japanese: My anime rape is harder than your anime rape.

Iraqi: My jihad is more senseless than your jihad.

France: Your better may be better than my better, but fuck you, I surrender.

Cuban: My cigar is better than you cigar because mine is Bill Clinton-approved.

New Zealand: My goat is better than you goat.

Finland: My beard has more leftover food stuck in it than you beard.

Ireland: My drunken rage is more violent than your drunken rage.

***

Toyota: Moving Forward

Southern America: We’re elitist foreigners who know how to do math. Buy our cars!

Western America: We’re hip and cool, although our cars may kill you. Get one now!

Northern America: I live in the city and sit in traffic for a living. I already own a Toyota.

Mid-West America: Get Sarah Palin to say the catchphrase, and maybe I’ll consider it.

Japan: Goddamnit, you stupid Americans. Just buy the fucking cars. It’s not like Ford is any better.

***

Allstate: Are you in good hands?

Non-customers of Allstate: Probably; did you hear how deep that dude’s voice is? He MUST know what he’s doing.

Customers of Allstate: No. Clearly, I am in the hands of an angry God who sees my daily sins and has decided it’s time for the shit to hit the fan.

*****

Now… congress is full of idiots, we know this. Proven scientific fact. Another fact: When not “debating” (re: screaming bloody murder over apostrophe placement), they are terribly, terribly bored.

Apparently, this congressman (Hank Johnson, proud House representative of my home state of Georgia – home to the 45th education ranking in the whole stupid-ass nation) believes that Guam will tip over because it has too many people on it (presumably, on "everybody go stand on the east side of the Island" day).

I have no words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg

At least the less-dumb guy, the military one, is aware of the ridiculosity of this whole idea; that much tells me that it’s not quite time to destroy humanity yet (just be patient, Priscilla, the time will come).

But SERIOUSLY? Guam will CAPSIZE?

Goodness…

There Is A Lizard Living In My Ceiling

I have discovered the joys of “mudding”, and the fabulous cooking possibilities of 3 foot tall flames today. As a bonus, I shot a mailman’s truck with a BB gun. Twice.


(This isn't me)

There is a trail/field off of a road near my home that I heard about recently and visited about a week ago. I had so much near-catastrophic fun that I decided to bring some friends along today. Almost got stuck three times, hit the redline on my Jeep once, bottomed out the suspension numerous times, and scraped the undercarriage on some rather sturdy, packed-in dirt that was sandwiched by giant mud-filled ruts. I also nearly tipped over my vehicle if it hadn’t been for some deft maneuvering on my part. And luck, don’t forget about that. Luck was with me today.

I would like to suggest to you that if you find yourself behind the (steering) wheel of a two-wheel drive SUV with above-average ground clearance that you do not despair; you are not barred from the world of natural mud-slinging. *Yoda voice* Keep your wits about you, you must; drive skillfully you must, but get stuck you will not.

The fire portion of my day: Yesterday I tried to grill hamburgers. Efforts to do this failed due to simple issues with the grill that were not discovered until an hour after diner time. The proposed solution to these problems was to add wood chips to the grill. Today, that “solution” was shown to be more of a “safety risk”.

(This is after 2 full cups of water being poured on the grill)

Today I opened the gas tank, lit the fire, and walked away for 10 minutes to let the grill heat up, as usual. When I returned, an apocalyptic scene of hell, fire and brimstone greeted me. It was if some neighborhood Iraqui had taken it upon himself to exact revenge for the destruction wrought to his country by pouring a fucking tank of lighter fluid on my grill. Smoke was pouring out of holes and gaps that I weren’t even aware existed in my poor little grill. As soon as I opened the lid, I had to dodge eyebrow-singeing flames that were jumping at least a yard into the air. As I took stock of the situation, from a couple yards away, I noticed that a piece of foam, about 2 feet by 1 foot, was ablaze, right next to the tank of natural gas. Reasoning that this was most likely bad, I went inside and returned quickly with 2 full cups of water. Dousing the foam-flame took 2 more cups of water, calming the actual grill fire took the same. Much sizzling and smoking ensued.

Once the grill had cooled down, a good 75% of the wood chips were removed. Re-lighting the fire, I proceeded to cook hamburgers in 1/3 of the normal time. Grilling has just become fun again.

As for the “Newman” portion of my day... Well, that’s pretty straight-forward. I was outside with my dog and heard the mailman coming, so I went inside to get my BB gun, and I shot it from behind a fence. I dropped down behind the fence, out of sight, giggled profusely for a couple seconds, laid the gun down, and walked calmly back into view of the mailman and to my dog. No one knew.
I shot it again as it left my col-de-sac.

Oh, and about the title of this entry (“There is a lizard living in my ceiling”), there really is. I saw it about 3 weeks ago. I had been doing schoolwork in my basement, sitting at my desk, and had been hearing some small scittering noises in the background. I’m fairly convinced that there are a few rats in the basement walls, so I thought nothing of it, until I realized that the sounds were coming from above.
My basement ceiling is made up of those white, sheetrock-ish tiles that are pocketed with dozens of small holes. There are also some fluorescent lights, and under these lights there are clear, plastic tiles in place of the sheetrock ones.
When I looked up, I saw the belly of a lizard walking around on the tile. Instead of taking the tile down and trying to get it, I just watched and laughed. Guess that’s because I’m not a homeowner yet.

I'm bad with names, so I'm just going to call you "stupid". That ok by you?

The signs of the times are here. Public schools are failing, and have been for decades it appears. Could there possibly be this many stupid people?


Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This couldn’t be what it looks like. Who in the world would have a sign stating that a parking space is temporarily closed cemented into said parking space?” A city official from the south, that’s who. The thing you must remember is that this is Georgia, where rednecks run free and unchecked in society. I can only imagine what Alabama’s version of this mishap would be (Misspelling the word “temporarily”, perhaps?).

Clearly, we have ourselves a dilemma. There is something wrong with this picture. This sign has been right there on Main Street in my town for over four years. The issue we find ourselves deliberating here is “What constitutes temporary?” Asphalt typically lasts ten to twenty years, and sometimes longer. So basically, once we’re all flying around in hybrid jetpacks and Jetson’s cars, this parking spot will be open. That is, if we are to believe the sign.

This represents all that is wrong with the bureaucracy today. The parking space cannot simply be left alone to be a bit smaller than normal or efforts made to eliminate it completely. There has to be a $200 sign telling you that you temporarily can’t park there. One would assume that once cars become two feet shorter or the space magically assumes standard proportions that it will then be open and the sign removed, but I’m not betting for either of those things to happen.

We as a society just like making official-looking signs for no good reason. It makes us feel smart. It makes us look professional. It gives us something to do. Despite that fact that we are dumb, non-professional slackers who could probably be doing something much more productive, we still find it necessary to make government-certified, expensive, and pointless signs to state the obvious.

Want proof? Look around at your local grocery store or public school. Notice the sign right before the speed bump? And do you see what it says? “Bump”. Thank God for that sign because otherwise I would have sped right over that giant, yellow, concrete protrusion from the ground without a second thought. How about those “slippery when wet” signs? Talk about a life-saver. I was always under the impression that the more wet things got, the dryer they became.

So, the point I am making here is hurray pointless signs! They make the dumb ones of us feel smart and make the smart ones of us laugh. In the astute words of Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.”